BREAKING GLOBAL NEWS: MOTHERS GO ON STRIKE, WORLD SHUTS DOWN
CHICAGO: Mothers have gone on strike across the globe, setting off a chain of catastrophic events.
After watching her husband snooze all day every day over a three-day weekend while she did housework, fed and entertained their three kids, and caught up on work emails, Jefferson Park native Kristy Donovan decided she’d had enough.
“Listen, I get it. He works hard during the week. But so do I. And when I come home from the office, my work doesn’t end. If I didn’t make dinner, who would? If I didn’t check my kids’ homework, who would? If I didn’t send a birthday card to my husband’s grandmother, who would?” Donovan asked in a slightly irritated tone. “So I got to thinking… Maybe I should stop. Maybe all the mothers out there should stop doing everything. Maybe we’re actually enabling them [husbands and kids] to be dependent on us.”
So Donovan began texting her mother friends. And they texted their friends. And their friends texted their friends. Even some women who aren’t mothers to human children, but find that they’re the ones in their relationship or families who “keep the shit from hitting the fan,” decided to go on strike.
“We realized we were the glue holding our households together. In fact, we were the glue holding other households together,” said Natalia Cortez of Brooklyn, New York. “We wondered what would happen if we just threw in the towel. You know, if we went on strike.”
WHAT DID HAPPEN?
When every mother on the planet stopped doing things for other people, the shit in fact did hit the fan.
No one got to school on time.
No one remembered their lunches.
In fact, no one ate at all.
Underwear was worn for weeks in a row.
The dog did not walk itself.
No gifts were bought for the kids’ friend’s birthday party, or for Uncle George and Aunt Nina’s 50th wedding anniversary.
Everyone sat alone in a dark corner on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and every other religious holiday across the world. People suddenly realized they had never even helped set the table for these holidays, so how would they know how to bake a ham?
But those were the small things — all the things no one ever realized moms did.
Suddenly, people stopped learning because there were no motivational teachers.
Patients were left with doctors who just didn’t listen.
The only coworkers left in a group project were too incompetent to finish the presentation.
Cases attacking evil corporations and ruthless predators weren’t taken to court.
Science halted because no one was determined to find cures or perform experiments based on their fierce desire to protect and uplift all human beings, especially the weakest.
Global treaties were never signed as no one considered the children — our future.
Climate Change rapidly intensified as no one considered the children — our future.
CALLING OFF THE STRIKE
Three weeks after the strike began, Kristy Donovan and Natalia Cortez decided to end the strike and a solution was reached.
“This is not a negotiation. We’re not negotiating,” Donovan said.
Cortez explained: “Here’s the deal: we’re not going to say yes to everything anymore. We’re not carrying the group presentation every time. We’re not going to answer emails when we are home with a sick child. We’re not going to let you talk back to us in the classroom because you think moms and women aren’t worth respecting. And we sure as shit aren’t buying our in-laws Christmas gifts anymore. If our husbands don’t take responsibility for their own lives, we aren’t either.”
Donovan added: “And don’t you dare ever make us feel guilty for taking time for ourselves each week — or each day — to do something we want to do. Or next time, there won’t be a strike. There’ll be a nuclear war.”
“Damn straight,” Cortez said. The two crossed their arms and walked away toward a nearby spa, taking a much-deserved break.
UPDATE: FOUR WEEKS LATER.
It appears husbands and children are capable of helping out around the house and taking control of their own lives.
Who would have thought…?