Crushing Love

Credit: Freestocks — Unsplash

I love you so much it hurts.

I feel the immense weight of my love for you. It pushes me down. It crushes me.

What will I do when you grow up? Who will I become?

I might shrivel up and die.

Because I feel we are still just one being. My heart still beats in synch with yours.

But we were never just one, were we? Three hearts. Three brains. You were always your own beings. I just kept you safe inside me.

I can’t do that any longer and it terrifies me. How will I keep you safe now? Keep you safe forever?

Sometimes, at night, when you’re asleep and your father is nowhere nearby, I cry. But I don’t have time to cry alone in bed. I need the sleep too desperately. Instead, I cry while doing other things. Being a productive mom. I cry while washing bottles. While scrubbing the floor. Folding laundry.

I cry because I love you. And the weight of my love is immense. Like trying to understand the vastness of the universe, I can’t comprehend my love for you. It mixes with sorrow — knowledge that my love won’t keep you from the cruelty of the world. Or from leaving me one day.

And though it hurts so bad, I still love you so much. It crushes me, this immense weight. This love for you.

I might just shrivel up and die.